“I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death.” #photography#depression#anxiety#mentalillness
"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."✨
Earlier today I shared in my IG stories I was having a tough morning with anxiety. Truthfully, I've been experiencing more anxiety attacks in the last few weeks than I have in the last few years. And while some may say why share that or even roll their eyes, I share because there is SO much power in YOUR story. For some reason we are made to think this bullshit lie that vulnerability makes us weak. Vulnerability is NOT weakness, it is actually one of our biggest strength. When we openly share our stories we allow ourselves to heal and we help others heal in the process. My page isn't just to showcase the highlight reels. A few years back I battled the peak of my depression all alone because I was SO ashamed. And I'm no longer ashamed to share my truth. This doesn't define me, it only makes me stronger and will allow me to help even more people out there. There is so much power in your story my dear, remember that🖤
2 54 minutes ago
I've been neglecting myself more than I'd care to mention. It took us four different days to actually get me into the hairdresser seat. I kept coming up with reasons to put it off. My hair had gotten so long and so untamed that I was ashamed. So I hid. For four years.
I'm searching for self care that has been ignored, put on the back burner because "kid needs this" or "house needs that". Truth is, I'm sure we could have wiggled and worked it in. In fact, I know we could have. My husband kept pressing and pushing, so I know we had the means to do things like this the whole time.
I was the one pushing back.
I've lost so much of myself. It was a slow burn, a fade out I never would have noticed had I not been looking now. And when opportunity would arise for care, I'd suddenly get so tired. That's the weirdest part. I was so overwhelmed by getting a hair cut that I just slept for four hours during the day.
Depression takes what's yours. It's slow and deliberate. And it saps you of strength once it has you. You can't fight back. You watch yourself hollow out and even with the means to fight it, you can't.
I won't be hollowed out anymore. I'm taking myself back, little by little. It's exhausting just thinking about. But I need myself to come back. The empty shell that's here has served its purpose and now I need to take control again.
I took a small step and washed my hair one of the days. But getting the haircut was too much. So I waited until I was ready. It took weeks. But I got there. It'll take time.
I'm ready to take steps, no matter how small.
0 04 minutes ago
Seems ironically fitting. Why is it I feel fine and somewhat happy one minute and the next I wanna die and the next I wanna run away from everything and the next I'm ok. I feel like there's too many pieces of myself I can't keep myself in check I don't know how to find balance and peace and I'm sick of fighting ten different versions of myself #depression#depressed#bipolar#anxiety#ed#struggling#sad
Sorry that I haven’t been posting recently... I got nail glue in my eye on Friday morning. Luckily I didn’t have school that day. They didn’t do anything for me at the emergency room. I’ve been putting mineral oil on my lashes because my top lashes were stuck to my bottom lashes. I can open it now but the middle is still glued shut. The outer and inner corners of my eye are free of glue. I posted pictures on my other account @silkynutmemept2 if you want to know how it’s going